7 min readSep 28, 2020


My sister is dead. How can I sleep?

The thought plagues me as I try to close my eyes. My sister died. My sister, she died.

The words don’t seem real, yet they’re all too familiar like I’ve rehearsed this moment in my mind another time, another place. Did I? Or do we really live in the matrix in some twisted, fucked up time and space

Continuum. That was a good show.

Please read my rhymes, please hear the flow.

In my words.

I write because I’m afraid to speak even though speaking would give me some plausible deniability. Well, maybe not in today’s always watching world.

I don’t care if it’s ammunition for my enemies because it heals me, it helps me.

I get to be a roadmap for others.

I was born to share.

My heart.

My thoughts.

My hard-earned wisdom.

My battles scars are breadcrumbs if you’re on the same trail as me. If you’ve felt immense pain like me.

But my sister is dead. How can I think of anything else?

Finally, the tears. They’ve stayed in all night. I had to close off from my sister. I had to. She kept breaking my heart. My mom never gave up. Never. Not even when it cost her everyone else. And now she’s gone and my mom is alone. She never wanted to be alone. I tried to be there for her. She doesn’t make it easy. But I know she loves me. It’s all so conflicting.

Emotions are messy. People are complex.

We’re all fucked up. We’re all shit heads. We’re all the villain in someone’s story.

At the same time, we are beautiful and wonderful and filled with glory.

We are made of stardust. I didn’t know that until I was an adult. I mean, I knew. Kind of. I knew we are made of matter, of elements, and I knew that about stars, but I didn’t feel connected to them. I wasn’t supposed to connect to anyone but God, but God was so aloof, so different depending on who you ask, and always felt so far away.

I thought I was broken I thought I wasn’t really saved.

The truth is, God is the stars, God is the sky, God is the matter and the elements, the life force of this universe.

God is you and me.

My god is a god of love and compassion, of acceptance and passion. My god doesn’t…




“People like to laugh at you cause they are all the same; I would rather we just go our different way than play the game.” -Pink